I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
#milo
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
So we got a goldfish…
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.