The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Just had my nails done!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.