ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
😂🤣😂🤣
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?