That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
adding to the discourse
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My inexpensive home security system…
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.