Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Ugh
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?