You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
You Might Also Like
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig