You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m having an out of money experience.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”