If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.