If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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Anime is real
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
i love meeting boys on tinder
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
When I laugh on my period
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!