The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
technically true but not a great slogan