[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Anyone want a chair?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo