The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
british sex workers really pound for pound
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: