Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.