Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You Might Also Like
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.