[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Usage Guidelines
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This kid is a star!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut