coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I’d hang this in my house.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
work smarter, not harder
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
#catsoftwitter
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.