The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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This is my emotional support knife.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
ok like just. call me at this point
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
United Steaks of America
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.