Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.