Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
You Might Also Like
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
How funny!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon