Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
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[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*