You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.