Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
You Might Also Like
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?