Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Your secret is safeish with me
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…