I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
yeet
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond