I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.