My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*