Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that