washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Time for evil
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter