“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
You Might Also Like
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Comparing yourself to others
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.