The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Noah was an idiot.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.