I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?