God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Welcome
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
12. I think about this all the damn time
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.