Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
You Might Also Like
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
superman landing like a plane on his belly
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.