Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.