I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
bury ourselves
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
This did not end as expected.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A dad and his duck