*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.