that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
m’lady
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready