On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
#FunnyLife Insects
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof