“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.