My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.