inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”