I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
that lip filler tho
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night