Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking