5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless