#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou