I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.