Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The Weeknd is back
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???