Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Oh my god
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Just so funny