The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
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Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.