shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
relationship goals
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Horrifying if literal: shit storm